Some things are different than you remember.

I have many, many emotions and thoughts in my head. I've had them for a month, but I'm still working on sorting them out. It's hard, because my brain wants to go back in time and experience things again, for a long time, and then I can't focus on what I want to say or how to describe what I feel.

Since I'm so good at lists, I'll start with one and see what happens:

• I went to Japan for two weeks. 
• I still can't quite believe it happened!
• It was amazing. 
• It was surreal. 
• It was sometimes so beautiful it moved me to tears. 
• It was stressful.
• It was sometimes painful (I threw out my back and then tripped down a step and walking became difficult, but I managed to keep going).
• It was new, but familiar.
• It was crowded.
• It was quiet.
• I was greatly inspired.
• I have officially rejected many things about the culture around me. (We can discuss in person if you're interested, but I probably won't post much about that here.)
• I want to go back. If someone offered me the money, I'd be on a plane tomorrow.
• I went to Phoenix for a weekend.
• I used a Motel Emergency Fund for the first time when I had to stop for the night in Cedar City, just three hours from home, because I simply couldn't keep driving.
• I saw a panel discussion with six extraordinary people.
• I had the opportunity to talk to each of them, but decided not to because I just couldn't figure out what to say!
• I had an embarrassing-moment-turned-maybe-funny-story with Deborah Nadoolman Landis, which I may or may not share publicly. 
• I finally saw the Hoover Dam. It is impressive and terrifying and really beautiful in its way.
• I met/re-met some really great people.
• An owl flew across a campground, right over my head, just off the east rim of Zion National Park.
• I saw more stars than I can see from my front porch.
• I had a great time just driving. I miss that. I should do it more.
• I rented a nice, zippy, comfortable car. I want to buy one.
•  I am still unemployed.
• I'm having Serious Thoughts about what to do for work, because there is much I no longer want to do.
• I have a lot of hope that something will come my way soon. I feel good about the applications I've submitted so far.
• I'm ok with a commute, but not ok with relocating. Not now.
• I'm reevaluating a lot of things in my life, and I have some goals and Life Questions.
• Take up less physical space (exercise more, eat better, declutter).
• Take up much more creative space (conquer fear, experiment, be ok with screwing up).
• What kind of impact do I want to have on those around me?
• Who do I want to be?
• What legacy do I need to live up to?
• How can I make this world more beautiful? 
• How can I serve more?
• Follow through with the Things I Reject/Resist.
• Let this change and inspiration happen.
• Be less selfish.
• Be braver.
• Be ok with starting over (this one is HARD).

I'm grateful to be home at the foot of my mountains. I'm SO grateful that I was able to take these amazing trips. The hard part is coming home, realizing you've changed but that things around you haven't. Life hasn't gotten easier for anyone I know, and new weirdness has surfaced. I have to deal with that. But I know I have to keep this change in myself at the same time. It's a good thing I learned that my brain has infinite capacity and I don't have to stop doing what I want to do! I don't think my brain will ever reach a saturation point that will keep me from progressing and learning, and, let me tell you, that's very comforting.

On this day before Easter, I believe, because of my faith in the Atonement and Resurrection, that all things will be made whole, and "God shall wipe away all tears." And that I can do these things and be a better person for the effort.